The ANtiThesis of MAchiavelliAnism

Sunday, April 28, 2002

4/28/2002 07:57:00 PM

An applicable quote as of late...
describe your libido in 50 heartbeats or less.
"You know those tools that you're certain haven't been used in decades, but are still in your father's garage? Yea....why do I still have this?" - fox

My mouth tastes like ashes today.

Well, I had a really interesting and somewhat cathartic weekend. I went down to the cities and spent the weekend with Monsieur Gamache. It was really nice. At first it was a bit strange seeing him again .. mostly because I had no clue what the relational agenda/motivation for the visit was, and his appearance has changed a bit since I saw him last. Once the initial awkwardness then carnivorous reminiscing was over with though, the coolest thing happened. I discovered that I had a great friend. How kickass is that??!!!

Other interesting revelations/realizations I've had this weekend: I found that - when it actually comes down to it, when the teeth are being sunk in, when the flesh is being torn- I am surprisingly amibivalent about being ripped to shreds. I can't abide the thought of it... and I couldn't hurt myself if I wanted to - but when it comes down to when are things actually happening - my skin getting scrartched off, bits getting torn, bruises being layed on, whathaveyou - it really doesn't phaze me much. Strange eh?

I Love mojito.

[neat stuff - about my cuban Abuelita and Father's family and me for the first time ever enjoying an aspect of being a "grownup"- that was supposed to go here got deleted by blogger. I dont feel like writing it over again atm - so deal. ]

Other fun stuff from this weekend: I got to pick up Neil Gaiman's Harlequin Valentine, and Sandman One and three @ DreamHaven Books friday afternoon. I'm SOOooo excited - About the books and finding the store. They are definitely the neatest bookstore that I have been to in aaaaagggges. I could have dropped at least 1,000$ in there picking up absolutely to-live-for books. My copy of Harlequin Valentine is even autographed - and it didn't cost anything extra.

So yeah - I have more fuel for the dreamFire now- mwahhahahahahahahaha!!!- I can't wait to dive in.

*bright smiles and wanders off to do homework so that she can dive in all the sooner*

...............................................................................
Some strange writings from Saturday evening. I think - scratch that, I know- just having finished watching American Psycho may have had some influence on them.
...............................................................................

I have come to accept the fact that I am insane. Hope is dead and yet I am still here waiting for you. Breathing for you.

What else could that be except insanity?

"In every breath I hear the silent whisper of your name; In every harmony; In every thought". Nonus Aequilibrium. I am ribbons. Even my smoke, my messenger to the Gods, comes now in the from you take it. What has happened to me? I'm still here inside, still me, and yet everything has changed. My life is more vivid, my past so dull - and no hope for the future is more bright than the things you touched upon within me.

How can this be when I have no hope that you will return ?

No expectations.

It's strange. I've gone the the fount. The begining. All the places that spawned my apprecaition for you. I've heard the voice that you remind me of, kissed the lips whose memory made me ache to taste yours. And none of it holds any meaning anymore. The fascination is gone. My hunger has evolved and rarefied itself to include only you. I am ruined.

I bear the bruises even now. - No, litterally.

"lying on my back now
the stars look all to near
Flowers on the razor wire
I know you're here
we are few
and far between
I was thinking about [your] skin
Love is a many splintered thing
Don't be afraid now
Just walk on in
(flowers on the razor wire)
(just walk on in)"

Hrm - idle thought- I wonder if I would be fullfilled letting you tear me to ribbons.
But that was never what we were all about (not to say that it couldn't be part of what we could be about - might be interesting - though its pointless now to speculate). I miss playing, conversations, joy, feeling close to someone with whom i can share my mind.

I think that you are so hard to forget because you showed me what I do want. I don't think anyone has ever done that so completely before.

So yeah, I am insane now. Logic has left me.

Missing you is like cigarettes.
I know its bad for me, but I don't want to stop....
at least not yet.

...You make my water into wine:: Remember, :: I am ever thine. :::: Blessed was I with the consecration :: To indomitable dedication :: Two bound as one :: In a trinity :: Where I comprise infinite forms of unity :: In unity reborn to a state :: Where all past burdens no longer shall be worn :: I pledge to perfection :::: No compromise can touch my woe :: Nor questions reach my faith, in immortality :: In the name of Nonus Aequilibrium :: I am thine :: IX times IX...

ferric

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