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Thursday, June 27, 2002
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Dying dying dying. I'm dying everyday, with every photon that touches my skin and every breath that leaves my lungs. I have no idea what Im writing right now. The keys almost seem to be pressing themselves. All I know is that I feel horrible. horrible the past few days. With the exception of Sephorah and my brotherlove Ben (niether of whom I get to see anymore).. not one of my realtionships feels good enough anymore. I feel distant from everyone. They're right before my eyes, thier skin beneath my talons waiting to be shred.. and yet even if I did it wouldn't be enough, wouldn't bring us any closer. They. are. so. far. away. *sighs* I miss Fox. "Why don't you hold me like you told me? Let me heal." "Sometimes when you win, you lose." DiemyDarling. The words are stumblingstumbling out of my head. Is there some sort of law against me getting a good fuck? Having a good heathy love? I mean - did congress pass an act while my back was turned ? I don't get it. *L* understand it that is.
Bloody hell.*f* I smell like Jesse's cologne. *L* ah well.. he had glitter on him when he left. It'll take him a lot longer to get that gone. *eg*
On a slightly related, but mostly completely unrelated note, I've finally come up with a story idea. A good one. Its a going to be a gift for Sephorah and I. For seph as a token of my undying love and because, I think, it will make her ever so happy, and for me because writing it... and giving her something like this is going to be a wonderful all-encompasing pleasure. It is magic made flesh. The plot isn't too terribly original - sort of The Magic Puzzlebox and The Power Book rolled into one and then painted over with a modern goth, moralplay Neil Gaiman feel... but I'm exctied about it. Its the first complete idea that I've had in months. I love it. Right now I'm toying around with the idea of making it a grpahic novel and shipping off pages to her as they are done - but that makes reproduction somewhat tricky. So.. there is the second possibility of making it a computer graphicy thing.. I think that it would be neat if Henry did some of the images as well. I think his style would fit nicely. Anyway.. its one am now, and i haven't nearly accomplished as much workwork as I wanted to today so I think I'll get back to that. If you're sephorah and reading this: I love you and I am thinking of you always. Message me lovely and we will talk sometime. I miss you - its like a hole in my heart. You're the only one who can fill it.
23 days till I meet Neil in the flesh.
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