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Wednesday, July 03, 2002
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I'm doing quite alright tonight... smoking Jenny's cigarettes and its so still outside that I've been blowing smoke rings.. and contrasting their white to the blue that drifts from the tip of the cigarette itself, to great effect. I love watching smoke unfurl itself. Steve once told me that he loved smoking because it made him feel like a dragon. I've never felt like a dragon.. but i know what he means. Its beautiful. The air is so still that the little flying bugs have come out again. I keep catching myself pulling a Naked Lunch wife and blowing at them to watch them fall out of the sky. Bad me i suppose, but it is amusing.
I've not listened to any Enamor today. I'm making a point not to. I've decided I'm not going to comment any more on my weekend or feelings for adam. Its all still to fresh too be trustworthy. I have a fickle heart and I don't want to confuse things any more than they already are. Whatever happens I am determined to weather it with grace, graciousness, and as much eloquence as possible. My heart may soar and it may break - but I will be fine and I will not disturb him. I owe myself that. Consequently the musical choices have been a bit interesting: a new flamenco guitar CD, The Buena Vista Social Club, and when that ran out I carelessly went for extreme adventure with Depeche Mode... That was interesting. Its was the first time that I'd listened to the CD since Fox.. since aching over Fox. For all of that I did largely alright. My heart shuddered a bit when "In Your Room" came on.. but I only thought a little until it faded back into "wallpaper" status. Surprising? Maybe. but good. i suppose. *senses a threshold quickly approaching and abruptly stops thinking about it* Frank Sinatra is seranading me now. he's doing alright.
Its hot out. I'm horribly in desire of a good bit of carnal release but Monguse is going to his cabin this weekend.. Not that we've gotten to the point where the release I get from being around him is a physical carnal thing.. but somehow just being intimate with him soothes something inside me. no not that. get your mind out of the litteral. Its something to do with hormones and my psyche.. and something of my sense of the spiritual. Whatever. All i know is that when we started sleeping together my nightmares stopped, and even if he doesn't make me shudder with pleasure yet I feel much MUCH better. So yeah.. Monguse is going to his cabin *f* and as of 3 hours ago I'm bleeding so that pretty much makes the whole thing a moot point anyway. No relaxation for me this weekend. bother. I want to go swimming at Whitefish. I keep thinking that I'd like to invite Ben along and then promply keep forgetting to call him during the hours when he is awake. again Bother. I miss my ravenbrotherloverfriend. Now there is a boy who can always make me feel better. Make of that what you will.
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