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Monday, July 08, 2002
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its raining tonight. vast and thick... as if God opened a waterfall in the heavens just above my bed. as well try to smoke outside as light a match below the sea. I'm sure that it can be done, but i know not the way of it. thunder rumbles across the sky like the surf at high tide. it was a night like this just over a year ago when I began the story that was to be my homecoming to the Black Raven Inn. a night just like this... when the wheat filled plains of my then-home were turned for a space into a dark stormy sea.
It seems that the storms call to something inside me. However calm before hand, i become consumed with a frenetic pulse, to write or fuck or lose myself wandering naked in the rains until i no longer know in which way lies home. to lose my memory of all. I wonder how many stories begining 'on a dark and stormy night' did indeed do just that. to write or fuck... well, as i cannot do the latter it seems that I am condemned to a sleepless frenzied night of the former. perhaps it's better this way. indeed...
I spent the night with Fox last night. there. its said. I must have thought of a thousand ways to open this post on my way home - and that was none of them. I spent the night with Fox... no not like that. its far more mundane. I called tekse in the afternoon to see if he[Fox] had brought by my book, and was enthusiastically invited over for a gathering. He [tekse] sounded so happy to hear from me, genuinely happy - not any of his wily fluff, that I thought why not try it out? With the holiday weekend pulling everyone but me away to cabins and family I had nothing better on my plate. So off to the party I went and, just as I arrived, he pulled up. Fox, my sionnach (mine not in the sense of belonging. He's never belonged to me. I've never gone mad enough to presume that... only in that I'm the only one whose seen that bit of him now.. i don't think i can explain). It wasn't world shattering, nothing's really changed only - he was kind to me. Perhaps he was only tired, but some of the old ease had crept back into his voice; the ease he used to speak with only when we were alone. His battlements were unarmed, and I was treated like a guest to the castle instead of the invading army. It was... salve for my wounds, and the blade that caused them - all rolled into one.
"It's like a pit full of stuff, some of it is yummy and some it is big monsters. It's a double-edged sword and if you pretend you don't want it you're a liar and that is going to rip your soul to pieces." -Sephorah Well I'm not pretending anymore, If I ever did. Though I'm not bending to seek it out either. I figure that I'll just ride here for awhile, take in the sights, and see if I can't just manage to let my poor soul heal. I thought that was what I was doing, but something that I thought of last night and reading birdy's blog today made me realize that was a lie. I haven't been healing. I've been tying a tourniquet around my heart. performing an amputation instead of treating the wound. Well, I'm done with that now. And though it may be a sketchy road to recovery I feel as if I have somehow turned the tide.
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