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Monday, August 05, 2002
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"((...She means to burn what she holds dear to prove her independence. She means to sweeten the world for those around her, to weaken your knees further with the intensity of her lips. She means to dim all the beauty that isn't her. She means, mostly, to let go of him and erase all these days that her heart hungers & stammers & ruined all that they had (and did not have)...))"
worry about me.
When he left there was confusion. This ache inside me that floundered and grasped and filled up my chest so that I could hardly breathe at night. But I was strong.. I fought it, trying at first to fix things.. to keep Hope. And then (when that didn't work. does it ever? for anyone?) to kill her so that I could stop and breathe again and move on. I tried so hard to find joy in other things. to love again. to quell my aching heart. and to some extent it worked. I loved the day, and the birds, and the smell of the air at twilight.. and running through the sprinklers in the dark. . . but I still missed him. I thought that time would make it go away. And I thought that being wanted again would make it go away. but it didn't. and I thought that being loved again would make it go away.. but it didn't. And then I thought.. well maybe just maybe, being with him will make it go away. But it didn't. I'm broken. maybe.. just maybe, in time I will heal. But that time isn't now yet... so for the moment I'm wallowing in my anguish and not fighting anymore. I've never let myself not fight it before.. and it almost feels good just to accept. hopeless.
I'm too proud for my own good. its keeping me away from people, when all I want to do is feel near. All I want to do is feel close to someone again. but I'm too proud. all I am is hurt and wanting.. and I can't bring myself to admit it. to anyone. I can't bring myself to tell him that I love him when he's trying to pretend that all I am is something to fuck.
Like last night.. all I wanted to do was break down and sob out the whole story in his arms.. and tell him how much I loved him. how hard I've tried to forget.. and how it didn't work.... . i wanted to so bad. but instead I picked myself up out of bed and his arms, and made the excuse that I wanted to have a cigarette.. and went outside to smoke. and even then I didn't cry... I was too proud to come back in with a tear stained face. I think I might just give it up. if I ever get comfortable with him again I will give it up. fuck him if it makes him uncomfortable. "its not my job to make them happy" What is he going to do? *L* leave??? *laughs more*
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