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Friday, September 06, 2002
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Again morning. Mah - I'm exhausted. I feel as if some mad scientist has taken out all of my body parts, hooked them to machines, used them until they didn't work anymore.. and then just kind tossed them in a pile on the floor. Hrm.. That was a bit graphic wasn't it. SOrry kids.
Got locked out of my house for the first time last night.. I mean its happened before but usually someone a. wakes up and lets me in when I knock, b. I can crawl into the van and sleep in the backseat. Its comfy. :) or c.. I have somewhere else where I can wander to sleep. Nope. NOt last night. Last night I got to sleep on the back porch.. that is when the stupid mosquitos weren't biting my face and waking me up (which wasn't frequently). argh. mrph. stupid mosquitos. My trench coat is my new best friend. I knew that a few yards of leather draped around my body would be good for something someday (besides just looking sweet that is).
So I had a sleepless night and a lot of time to think on my hands. And think i did - though I almost wish that I wouldn't have. It needed to be done, but I wish that I could have drifted happily for at least a little while longer.. . just a few more days of bliss. What I wouldn't give for a few more days when nothing out of place inside me: wounds healed, the people I love happy, and no one demanding of me what don't want to give, no one wishing that I wouldn't love someone else... wether or not it conflicts with my love for them. (I have a big heart) WHo knows. Maybe that is still the way things are, and its just my exhaustion that is making me feel this way. I will Hope until its proven otherwise. (no need to set myself up for disaster) *small tired smiles* Who knows. Blackbird, Stone - he's not like anyone else i've ever been with .. maybe he's safe enough inside his own skin for this to work. If not... *sighs* I see another long solitary winter looming on the horizon.
Whinge. Whinge. Whinge. Whinge. Who the hell do I think I'm fooling? I'm alright. I'm really alright - and it kicks ass! Not to say that I don't have A LOT of questions but eh, that's what time is for. Just read Fox's blog. He says he's not confused about what's going on. I wish that I wasn't confused about what's going on. I do however know 2 boys who are definitely going to be in for a good bit of grilling in the nearest possible future. I'm not entirely clear on what either of thier expectations or desires are - and I need to fix that.
(interrupted by phone call) whahoo. one 80% done. One and a teeny bit left to go. concerns keep getting alleviated. :)
So what do I want boys and girls? I want to keep my two good friends. And in a best case scenario, neither one of them would be bothered that I care about the other.
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