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Tuesday, September 10, 2002
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Usually when I come down here for a breather, that's what it is: a breather. I put whatever's troubling me into perspective, and I get better. For some reason, it's just not working this time. My head is still weighted, and I still feel like lead. It's been over four months, and I'm still not any better. Fuck. See, at least I got closure from my first relationship, but now that eludes me. Tara asked me why I didn't just msg him, and I said I was too scared. It's true too. I know I'd be able to remain objective if I tried hard, and he'd think that I"m fine, and it's all good, and I'd leave having never gotten what I wanted. Of course, it's already obvious that I'm ot getting what I want, so why subject myself to a new burst of pain when I have so much of the old pain still killing me? I could run away to TO, I could run away to MN, and it would just be me runing away. THe final resolution coming about simply from the lack of resolution. In my head there was nothing resolved, but in his head it was. The End. It's been four months away from him, and we only had four months together, and he won't get out of my head.
An interesting note is that I wondered what I would do if he DID want me back, as I'm with Ben. Him or Ben? And I couldn't think past that. It's like that Friends episode (the one at the beach), "...if you go with Bonnie, you're doing the healthy thing and moving on with your life..." Ben loves me, and I always feel so assured and me (that's the best way that I can describe it), but the truth of the matter is that a part of me is still with the past. It doesn't have any relation to how I feel about Ben, but it's still there. I think maybe Ben would be hurt if he knew. A part of him already knows (that flash of pain in my eyes), but not the full extent. Still, it is't as if that's it with Ben. I love Tara, and I know it makes him a little uncomfortable, thinking I'll leave him. I'd never do that, and the reason is because I know I can love Tara no matter who I'm with. It sounds strange, doesn't it. I don't have to be with her to love her -- fuck, I don't even have to be in the same city to love her. It's with me no matter where I may be. It isn't even a question.
It's good that I feel I can rely at least on that: Tara's love, and (with growing confidence) Ben's love.
Shes my mirror image. Its like watching a movie adaptation of whats been inside my head - only some sadist cast the girl I love best in the lead role. I know these places. They are familiar now like the pages of an old fingered codex, or the pillow I lay me head to sleep upon at night. Only this time its different. This time its someone I love going through the anguish and I am relegated to watching from the outside. praying for the safety of her heart.
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