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Thursday, November 21, 2002
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tonight i feel like a bitch. an angsty angry unbeautiful bitch. Managed to both disgust and anger bridget today. *sighs* not good. and bunny.. i dont know. Right now its as if we've annoyed the piss out of each other from such constant contact and are now barely veiling it. It feels like we are trying to be civil and caring but are coated in this layer of flippancy. ugh. honestly I think that I just need to chill and take care of issues in my own life right now. Earlier tonight when we were on the phone with each other I was feeling massively frustrated by the fact that i dont want to spend every waking hour in contact with him but whenever I leave him alone for a night he goes out carousing and hitting on other women (which isn't stricly true - not by a long shot- its just what my bitch-mode brain was telling me at time). But [to utilize several cliches all at once because I'm fresh out of good wording] having taken a few deep breaths now things are coming back into perspective... 1. he's supposed to have a life other than me. I'm supposed to have a life other than my time with him. I dont want this any other way, and should not be upset when he goes out and does something on his own - even if that happens to be getting drunk with his friends or excercising his powers of seduction. As interesting and perfectly suited as any two people can be for each other, without time to pursue thier individual interests things get a bit suffocating. 2. It was really cool that when i was feeling insecure and/or an emotional wreck over his relationship with B we spent hours on the phone keeping things (me) sane, but i'm ducky now. I'm happy and secure in our love.. (not that i will ever take it for granted). I don't need that constant contact and care to keep from falling apart. Its time for me to unclench my white-knuckled grip on his hand and go back to taking care of other aspects of my life during the times when we are not together. Not only will I survive.. but I think that I will feel better for it.
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