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Wednesday, December 04, 2002
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Having a minor (major?) identity crisis, again, tonight while thinking about school and my major etc. Right now I'm signed up as a CS major. yay. Isn't that great, a little caucasian/hispanic girl in cs. Okay cool.. ideally, assuming that I graduate I should be almost gauranteed a job which will support me financially, and hopefully one where I can dye my hair purple if I want to. BUt... am I really interested in CS? sortof... i'm interested in where it can get me scientifically. Am I really cut out for CS? Probably not. (?) I'm not a big math fanatic. I liked Calculus up until working with trignometric functions. And I probably know less about hardware and operating systems than I know about the prostate gland (which is to say, not much). This is not to say that i couldn't learn but - damn. I mean my boy knows more about windows and drivers, cards, networks, etc, than I do. Can I make that up in 2 years of education? Do I passionately want to? Maybe. I also know that up until now I have spent most of my life as a turtle. I like learning things which aren't going to change in 5 minutes. Not always, but quite frequently the proliferation of new technology and high turn over rate of "whats best" intimidates me. Is this something that I can get over? For my sake I hope so.
Things that I know I enjoy and am passionate about: Languages. History. Books. Life. Stars. Art. I love making things. I LOVE MAKING THINGS. paintings, and drawings, and stories (though i have "good enough" issues about them as well) chainmaille, and furniture and .. yeah. *sighs* but can I actually make money at this? How? I never thought it was a viable option around this area but i'm starting to wonder. Someone offered me 250$ for my last painting. Two hundred and fifty dollars - for something that I made with relatively few material costs and a lot less monotony than a chainmaille shirt. But could I keep it up? Its a seductive idea.. long days in the workshop, my hands dirty with paint or clay or iron.. Perhaps a nice cozy coffee shop/gallery to show my work in locally - with Bunny managing all the paperwork and spending afternoons behind the counter making macchiatos and talking philosophy with our customers. And what a lot they would be.. like rare birds with vibrant plumage and even brighter ideas. I know it wouldn't be all dreamy like that.. but.. could we pull it off? Maybe.. maybe later though. That sort of thing requires money to start up. And talent to keep going. I've seen too many of my favorite places go down the road of bankruptcy to feel secure in the survival of any buisness venture here. What else? what else could I do? I have such lofty ambitions... (for creaure comforts: travel and babies, and a beautiful house for my love, persian carpets and a piano to play at midnight... money and time to go exploring, and a warm snug home to return to once we are done. Time to study and discover and create. A way to make a positive difference in the world around me, and a feeling that I am using my potential.. not sitting behind a desk as an automaton (it sounds impossible and yet it burns in my head)) and no idea where to start or how to chose. I guess that is what this all boils down to in effect. I don't know where to begin but here. But is here a proper begining?
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