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Tuesday, June 10, 2003
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(snippets of conversation... )
fe2o3: How is you tonight my beloved pet?
Ripper:: abit tired, but other than that good *nodnod* yous?
fe2o3: fairly decent. I'm in a good mood but I miss my boy and I'm thinking about breeding. Which is always unsettling.
Ripper:: *chuckles* naaa, it's not Always unsettling.. just most of the time hehe
fe2o3: Mostly because I both desperately want to do it [my body's influence] desperately want to avoid it at all costs atm [practicality stepping in as I don't want to quit school, and would like to be able to support any and all future children I have in a fashion that would require a significantly larger budget than I have available at present]. This has the effect of making me both fasincated with pregnancy and utterly terrified of even the thought of it. I'm a happy hormonal wreck. *laughs*
fe2o3: and i want to snuggle and fuck. I miss my boy.
Ripper:: *nodnod* wasn't ever hormonal for me, more or less animal instinct.. *chuckles* butt it seemed i hadn't a choice in the matter anyways hehe..
fe2o3: *nodnod* pretty much. *L* I always though chicckys deciding to get preggers without thier partner's knowledge or aggreement was just nuts - but now i'm starting to understand. Not that Stone would disapprove if I really wanted a critter and we had the budget for it.. or that he would run away if I we were accidentally to concieve one - just that I'm starting to understand how crazy hormones can make someone.
Ripper:: hehe
fe2o3: Its like my body is taking over - turning my brain into this mushy thing that only wants to make babys and be loved.
Ripper:: *nodnod* i have an idea as to what thats like..
fe2o3: how is that?
Ripper:: instincts for me *nodnod* same happens to me.. except i tweek out and hide from the world till it passes.. that is up until i found out.. now the urge hasn't shown itself..
fe2o3: That's cool. *snuggles*
Yeah I had a - well scarce isn't an appropriate word - but a little bit of wonder about that subject up until this avo.
It was really wierd. I went home Fri. night and noticed just beforebed that I was bleeding a teeny bit - since it was the appropriate time for such events to be occuring I thought nothing of it and proceeded to have wild crazy amazing sex with boy for about 2 hours before bed...
fe2o3: The unique part was that since I had just started bleeding [or so I THOUGHT] and that's the safest time of the month for pregnancy avoidance I asked boy and - for only the second time in the entirety of our relationship - he agreed to cum inside me. It was beautiful and it made me brilliantly happy. I don't quite understand why but yeah. I was very moved that he would trust us enough to feel safe doing it.
fe2o3: and then... my period ended up not starting until today. I wasn't holding my breath since it wasn't officially due until the 11th but yeah it was kindof like, ".. . . ..wow.... this could be... interesting".
Ripper:: *chuckles* yeah it could be.. *nodnod* i back ya either way.. just it doesn't seem like a scare this time.. well at least i hope not..
fe2o3: No it wasn't a scare. I was just ... kindof ... well... paying careful attention to my body, and waiting vigilantly to continue bleeding.
Ripper:: *nodnod*
fe2o3: The thing that gets to me now - is that in this real and tangible way that I have never experienced before - subconsciously [and not so subconsciously] I feel like i've found my mate. I'm utterly in love and I know that it would absolutely rip me to shreds to snuff out or give away any life we concieve together. -- THAT is SCARY.
Ripper:: *smiles* wonderful.. *nuzzles'n'cuddles* but i don't understand the scary part.. sounds like a good thing to me..
Ripper:: *peels off his shirt'n'carefully lays on his back*
fe2o3: because... the fluffy feelings that my body is conjuring in my head are not the realities of having and caring for a child. I can't even support myself right now. How in heaven's name would I take care of a baby? and not only that but I have so many things that I want to do... so many things I want Stone to see with me... So much that would get relegated to the pile of "pipe dreams that can't be done because we now have baby" and That would suck for both of us.
Ripper:: aahh *nodnod*
fe2o3: and for baby - you know?
Ripper:: *nodnod* aye, i completely understand..
fe2o3: *snuggle into your arms* Hrm... I think that I am going to go home and paint for a while and then turn it.
Ripper:: *huggles'n'nuzzles* otay Hime`, sorry i so quiet tonight.. i haven't been in the best of moods since saturday night.. i'll be more talkative next time though me promises..
fe2o3: Its alright. I needed to get all of that off my chest I think. And you make such a good listener.
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