|
|
Thursday, June 26, 2003
.
(stolen. again.): "The sound of my voice when I am alone makes me quiver sad-skin & desolate eyes. I am not iamnot this kind of tragedy, but the way I echo, I could almost believe it. (You've always had me, like this, up against glass walls. out over the days monthsyears. You've always done it.) These are rememberances of what could almost be another life. I've been spread seven years across your blue-eyed galaxy. The way I laugh and the way I bleed, here, now, where our short-lived months finally gather like raindrops. Like snow. And my memories: part torn faces of photographs, part the soft padding on your old bed. Lying horizontal between what I have infront of me, and all the things I can never leave behind.
(& I keep thinking about the way your mouth feels.)
And you, telling me that if you ever said it, it would be for a very long time(ifnotforever). And me, grabbing onto that and onto every word that came out of your mouth, finding every syllable a split second before your lips made the motion. Dreamsdreams, coincidences are lies, the universe has constantly been at my disposal and though I fight less, I struggle more as I learn (over and over) that love and possession are only shit that's motivating the desire to fill.the.empty spaces. that have always (w i l l a l w a y s) exist. Because I no longer believe. And you...when you finally did tell me... The thing was(is)..(and what I don't understand), is if what I feel: this magnitude, this uncompromising, this unconditional (but you couldn't let it be), this all encompassing..if this wasn't/isn't it, then I have to re-evaluate everything. (And I always do.) If all it ever is is illusions, then I am the best magician..and the biggest fool."
I'm aching again tonight. God I hope that boy doesn't come back here any time soon. I'm in one of my terribly melancholy melodramatic moods... the ones that I always try to hide from him. They resonate with pain and suspicion... and suspicion is exactly what I don't need to radiate toward him. [forhimforme] I need to believe. I need to trust. I need to love. We're all so many reflections... we become what we see in each other's eyes.. we think that is what there really is... despite whatever truly lies inside. Its funny how mirrors can hide so very much.
So here i am tonight. Typing away to the rythyms of Vespertine Trying to sort out my my insides and make them glow again [i can embrace the dark, but not that.. never that.] I feel like fire... waiting for you who I have dreamed my wick. I need to learn, I need to learn the trick of burning all by myself.
*Sigh* soon. Soon I will be home and perhaps in your arms. Try not to think too much until then. Try not to breathe. [it only hurts when i breathe]. Oh well.. I have a prettying appointment tomorrow and a date with JShakespeare tomorrow night. Hopefully that will help. Immajica sucks me in but I see your face in words of Gentle, and feel your hands about me... and that's... that's never safe.
.