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Thursday, February 16, 2006
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Dear Ana,
I'm sorry that you are upset with me. I am going to break my own rule and shatter the 4th window to explain myself just this once, because I value the good times that we spent together, and apparently there are some things that need to be said. I don't think that you would listen to me if I called so I will write them down here. in text. I want you to have the leisure of mulling them over for as long as you need to.
I can only guess from your recent cryptic messages that you have read this journal and have misinterpreted its contents, or taken them out of context, because if you understood what I feel (for you and for andy) there would be no reason for you to act like this. Please stop making assumptions. This is my journal and as such i used it for whatever purpose I bloody well feel like, from creative writing to blathering on about things that happened during my day. It helps me think, and vent, and understand the currents that run through the back of my mind. I change names because some of the people i write about are more comfortable that way. Some entries are simply "made up". Do not assume that you know who I am talking about, or in some cases even that I am talking about a real person unless it is specifically noted. If you do you may be wrong: for example "s" and "sionnach" are completely different people [one of them is female and lives very far away]. Both recent "dream" entries were not about real people; they were written as a psychological excercise in an attempt to work though some deep feelings of greif and lonliness that i have been going through recently with the death of yet another friend. (nnnggh. this is so awkward to talk about - especially to someone who just hurt me as bad as you did *shudders*) There is probably only one person in the entire world who could read through my entries and pinpoint who and what events were referred to and that it because she has not only been with me through it all, but has actively discussed what is written here with me. You? You don't know me at all. You've made that quite obvious.
Please stop thinking of me as a threat to/adverse to your marriage. I am not trying to steal, fuck, kiss, share secrets with, or do any other potentially inappropriate actions with your husband. We hang out in the bar with you and john. Ocassionally he sends me text messages asking me if john and i want to meet you guys at the bar. Sometimes he comes to gaming. That's it. You send me more scandalous stuff than he does! He's crazy about you and I would never want to get in the way of that. Over the years our relationship has evolved into one of sincere friendship. I thought for awhile that you finally understood that.
To be blatantly honest, yes, I love your husband possibly as much as I have ever loved anoyone in my life. Underneath his tough guy wise-cracking exerior he is perceptive, compassionate, and caring. His kindness helped me through the blackest period of my life, and because of that there will always be a little niche of my heart reservered for happy thoughts about him. But you know what? Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you are in love with them. Part of true caring means that you want what is best for the object of your affections, and I have never seen him as happy as he is with you. Maybe you don't see it because you are there for the dayindayout grind, but girl he is totally devoted to your life together & totally crazy about you. If there is something on your mind that needs help, you should talk to him about it, because unless I am completely stupid that boy *needs* your love and is willing to do what it takes to ensure that your marraige is a long and happy one.
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